My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
