so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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