it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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