my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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