fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
