Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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