i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
