I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
