I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
