Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
