The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
