If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
whose parrot is this?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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