you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
