If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
