what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
