I will die if light touches me.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
