Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
