That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
