Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
