Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
