is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
