I can text with my tongue
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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