Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Randomize
