Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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