we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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