White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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