my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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