Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
