ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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