oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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