I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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