we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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