the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
