someone threw a dead crab at me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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