the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
