Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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