Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
