I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
