Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
