I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize