dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
