I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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