He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
