Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
