Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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