Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
zippers are such a cool invention
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you made out with another girl for some wings
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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