wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
