I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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