I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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