Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
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