hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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