She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
