My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
