I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
