I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
