News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
