I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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