Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
