About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
