well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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