News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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