it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
