I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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