Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
