Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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